Playing House...by Myself

I was up all night with a cough and at one in the morning I decided to drive to Sav-On to pick-up some cough medicine. Of course, I thought it would be nice if I had that special someone who would run to the store for me rather than getting it myself. I even hoped that my neighbors would be so annoyed by my hacking that they would offer some medicinal assistance…but the knock never came. And then I was annoyed with myself because I still feel incapable of taking care of myself…I want someone else to do it…I was at the store that very evening because my friend was picking up airbourne for herself… but I needed to get cigarettes and gave no thought to my health or to the fact that I spent the past two hours trying to keep a lung down.
But as I walked the aisles of the store, trying not to make eye-contact with the nightowls who found some fascination with the store at that heinous hour on a Sunday night…I was pretty excited for myself. Yeah…it would have been good to realize that I would need something inorder to sleep, and sure, smoking (again) probably isn’t helping my health. But I did make an adult decision to get out of bed … because there was a part of me that wanted to just stay awake and cry and feel bad for myself and pull my yellow blanket over my head. And there is something so independent about getting into your car for yourself at an odd hour motivated by your thoughts alone. I had to take care of myself.
At the cash register I played with the idea that I was that bleary eyed mom in the store’s commercials trudging to the store for her sick child at home. I looked at the checker looking for an understanding nod, you know, mother-to-mother, a little “somethings going around and I’m nursing the kids back to health” shrug, even a “I’m the martyr too” smile but she wasn’t even concerned wether or not I was sick or why I would be at the store which began to worry me because doesn’t anyone care anymore? And before I could mumble a, “Izzy (my pretend child) will finally get to sleep with this,” I coughed and blew my own cover.
I don't know why I felt the need to have a reason for being there. And I really don't know why I felt I had to lie (to her, in my head) about being there. Maybe I was afraid this woman thought I was alone and had no one to take care of me. Maybe I was afraid she pitied me because only lonely people stalk the Sav-On market in the early mornings of the day. But maybe I was afraid that I am capable of taking care of myself…and I can be alone. Maybe I'm afraid that I might actually like it.

Look Behind You!

I'm back together with #3.

I initiated contact...well, he sent a little message...but it was me who opened the door.

Relationship Status:

• I'm very afraid of being hurt and yet have spent every waking minute with him this week.
• I'm pretending to control the physical aspect of the relationship because I think if I don't sleep with him then I won't get hurt guising it as a demand to take it slow.
• I just realized this delusion last night and feel guilty.
• Hopefully, we'll be getting it on tonight.
• I went for a ride on his motorcycle...I am the first person he has ever allowed to do this.
• I am not getting any sleep because we stay up talking to the wee hours of the morning and I have said to myself every single morning, "Tonight, he has to leave by 11." Then 11 comes and goes and another topic is approached and analyzed and I say I really need to go to bed...and the cycle continues

I know that the chances are high that I'm going to get hurt again. I feel like I am looking at my actions from this third perspective, like watching a horror movie and the girl goes into the dark and creeping house and everyone thinks, don't go in there, girl, don't do it and she hesitates but inevitably enters the front door and the monster everyone expects to be hiding in the darkness is there and she may die or survive or last another scene or two, but she will change and be touched by that darkness she should have run away from.

I'm afraid to be hopeful, to believe this time is going to be different. I think that if I expect heartbreak then it will soften the blow when it comes. I'm afraid to jump. I can't relax and just go with this fall. I think he's going to come to me at some point and say it's going too fast, that he needs to work on himself, that he needs to try to make it work with his ex...

I want this to be it. I really like him...still. I want to live happily ever after. I want to continue to be happy with him. I want to figure out how to stay with someone forever no matter what.

Acceptance is the key.

I finally vacuumed my apartment. I had this spiritual experience that you can read about here: http://myspace.com/myparts but then couldn't take that final step of complete cleansing. That is, until yesterday.

I also:

• Made myself dinner with my handy-dandy Foreman Grill of chicken and zucchini w/saffron rice
• Baked some chocolate chip cookies
• Read about this writing program at UCLA
• Started writing a story
• Talked to N. about Boy #2 honestly!

I feel like I'm finally back into the groove of my life. I've been mad at #3 but am actually getting tired of waking up to me telling him what a dick he is in my head. I sat down and wrote what my part was in the whole thing. I was able to realize that for 2 weeks, I had completely turned my life upside down: I stopped going to the gym, my obsession for myspace completely died, I was up until all hours of the night and then completely inefficient at work, but most of all I listed 5 different people that I (unintentionally) hurt through the process of making him be the one. I've been giving a little shout out for them (#3 and his GF) in my prayers.

I'm crazy when it comes to men: my perception is off, I love potential, and I will give up everything in order to make it work. I think I find it kind of humorous...frightening, but funny as hell. I might do it all over again...but this is the way I am and I am completely powerless over it. The best I can do is try to remember and learn from my mistakes, but experience has taught me that I can't change over night.

#2 has asked me to the movies. He began with 2 things: that he was putting the crush for me on hold and he has a lot of work to do on himself. My kind of guy.

I said yes and my daily mantra has been, "I will not have sex with him. I will not have sex with him."

I'm not going to overanalyze myself and seek outside treatment for my mental defects.

I am who I am.

And even though I put myself through a lot of un-needed pain...I like me. I find myself a bit amusing and quirky and I know whatever lucky guy sticks around is in for a ride;)

Turkeys and Tears

Wednesday night I did a lot of much needed writing. I took a relationship and sex inventory and really saw my insanity. I realized that from my very 1st boyfriend, I have been trying to mold myself to his wants (that is, the wants I thought he would have of me), pressing my will onto him because I think that “He’s the one” and from the very start I have given up any sense of self to hang onto him because I need him to make me feel okay. I saw that through all of these relationships there was this common thread….my fear that I am not good enough to have a family and to be happy; a fear that God wants me to be by myself, that I am incapable of having children, that I will be a spinster librarian with too many cats living behind darkly drawn curtains, afraid to let the light in.

Thursday night I was at a meeting that #3 and his girlfriend led. That’s right. Girlfriend.
They got back together.

I showed up at N.’s house in tears the next morning. I knew that God wanted me alone. I’m not meant to have a family because I don’t deserve one. There is not one human in the world sick enough to want to be with me. I hate God. I’ve tried so hard to turn my life around, to help other people and this is what I get…a lieingmotherfuckercowardlydick who I let into mylifeandmyheadandmyheart…I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want this to be my life.

We sat in her back yard and I read my writing to her. At the end, she looked at me and said that I have been picking men who have been unavailable to me…they had girlfriends, they didn’t want me, they were obviously not the right kind of guy for me…setting myself up to fail, to be alone, to be miserable; making my own fears come true. #3 was completely unavailable to me…I know from my own personal experience that no relationship can be formed after breaking up with someone 1 week before…but whatever happened between him and I…for the first time in my life, I was able to be vulnerable at a physical, mental and spiritual level with another man. I know now that I am capable of loving someone and to be loved in return.

And though it may seem hokey, I was suddenly relieved. That hatred and anger at my God was lifted. This may be painful now, but I was given a gift. I was given this glimpse of what I will have one day. I was given a chance to see that I have a hundred forms of fear and I have been entering every relationship with this expectation of failure and loneliness. I still have work to o. The tears started flowing and not because I was pissed but because I was suddenly a little hopeful and really grateful for this woman and program and spirituality to help me see who I truly am.

The high lasted ‘til about 10 that night.

Now, I am a little pissed at him but I know my ego is bruised more than my feelings are hurt at this point. I woke up this morning with my head screaming, “He picked her over you!”
Eh. I guess this is to be expected. She was dressed especially slutty last night which helped me get through seeing them together...I’m sure it is killing her to think about him and I together…which makes me feel little bit better too. Hey, progress not perfection, people.

But I Don't Wanna

It is really difficult to do the right thing…even when I know that the end results will be better then what I could have now. I demand immediate gratification…I want it now, now, now.

I took a quiz once in some woman’s magazines about the maturity of my reactions to life situations. I scored “childish”. I have a childish perception of life and I react to life childishly.

Not surprisingly, I was shocked and a bit offended.

So it was 1 AM on Saturday night, and I was grading because I am the queen of procrastination and my two days off just sitting around my apartment doing nothing didn’t motivate me enough to do any work, and I decide to text #3.

My head runs with the following justifications:

• He’s an insomniac…he’s probably up.
• I need to be entertained as I enter the grades into the computer.
• I want to know how he is doing.
• I’m just going to ask him how he is…that’s it.
• Texting isn’t even really communication..it is toneless, humanless…there is no voice.

He writes back that he is, in fact, up, I question how he is, he calls me.
We talk until 5 in the morning. We analyze everything; we talk about how we feel about each other, we break down the past four days of hell, we deconstruct the three levels of reactions we have had of this experience. My life is complete once again. I have hope. He likes me so much he actually wants the relationship with me to succeed.

I wake up at noon on Sunday with an emotional hangover and just try to do the next indicated thing…like try to finish my grades. He calls.

His spons pointed out to him that he ended it with me because he needed time to be by himself in order to look at himself, get to know himself and try to get better and talking to me until 5 in the morning is not keeping to himself. We do not know how to keep it light and easy. We discussed that things were going so great between us and we both have such horrendous relationship records that giving each other this time to be by ourselves will only make our relationship stronger and healthier.

It’s like that annoying cliché that if you truly love somebody you’ll let them go. Whatever.

I want to do the right thing. I care about him enough to let him do this and try to stay out of his way. I’m cranky today though. Like a child, I am throwing a temper tantrum because God isn’t letting me get my way.

And the red flag has been shoved up my...

So...bad news. #3 dumped me.

Wednesday he talked to me about this epiphany he had about his last relationship and he saw that he had a bigger part in it then he first wanted to admit. He saw the insanity of all his relationships and that he was starting to go there with me and he didn't want to do that and that it was really clear that he needed to be by himself to work it all out.

I am devastated.
But at the same time he just wants to do what I had to do, too.
This sucks.
I can't even be mad.

I feel like an idiot. I never get hurt. I leave before I get hurt...or truthfully, I get myself into relationships where I can't get hurt.

#3

We've known each other for a little over 3 years and have watched each other, in a way, grow up.

Stats:

• 35
• electrician-started own business 1 year ago
• 6" and some
• thinning, short hair
• beautiful green eyes that actually speak
• oldest of 3-very close to sister (who approves of me!)
• 5 years in this new way of life

What I love about him:

• he's super smart
• hysterical...with that sarcastic/play with words wit that I adore
• treats me like a woman (which makes me realize that I've been with little boys in previous relationships)
• we talk for hours on end...easily...we agree, disagree, laugh, question...free flowing
• we know each other well enough to call each other on our bullshit...and to be truly honest
• he used to paint and looks at me with that artist's eye...he's studied various parts of me, like my ankle
• his words: he wants to have a relationship like his parents "so painfully"
• he helps other people
• trying to live a spiritual life

Red Flags:

• he just got out of a relationship and I mean "just"...though he says that he had ended it months ago in his head, mourned it, and understands his part and what he gained from the experience...it's still pretty soon, even for me
• nancy thinks I can do better...though she has admitted that she loves me so much she doesn't know if it's humanly possible to meet her expectations
• he's a harsh critic of people and enjoys standing around with his best friend tearing people apart for fun
• he takes some actions in the meetings that I feel are disrespectful...though he's respectful in his other meetings..he has admitted to this and said he wants to change that
• his best friend is a dick...a facade to hide his fear of people's judgements...but the wall is thick

I realize that I have my blinders on here and for most of the red flags I added a footnote...I'm doomed.

The relationship is moving really, really fast...we've trashed all of the bullshit and have openly discussed what we're looking for from each other...how we feel about each other...that this has been coming for 3 long years...