Continuing the Cycle of Insanity or I Swear, This Time It Will Be Different
So my soon to be ex-husband and I have been playing phone tag. And some interesting physical manifestations have occurred this week due to these attempts at communication:
- I was obsessively checking my phone to see if he called back
- When he did call back, I was always otherwise engaged (was the universe trying to keep us from talking?)
- Dreams about him (last night we discussed getting back together…in the dream)
We finally reached each other this morning. Annoyingly, I was nervous. I didn’t understand why we had to talk to each other. I do want to talk to him but the things I want to talk about are not appropriate for the phone…and when we talked there was this atmosphere of doubt and holding back…at least on my part, but it is a lot more dramatic and satisfying to imagine him feeling the same way.
In the end, I don’t think we really talked about anything. He mentioned that his senile grandmother told him our marriage failed because we didn’t have children. We briefly discussed a mutual friend who left a sarcastic message about me on his myspace page. I vaguely discussed the fact that I’m on my own for the first time and he asked if I got with F. as soon as he left. I lied and said that we didn’t get together, per se, but I was pretty obsessed and that’s how it always was whenever we broke up. We ended with a discussion about getting older and my fear of never getting it right and him planning on never having children and just flying for the rest of his life.
And I want to cry right now but I don’t get it. I’m not having any type of fantasies of reuniting with him…Okay, I do, but I know it is my reaction to fighting being on my own…so I know I really don’t want to get back together with him but I miss him and I didn’t miss him before.
I just want to talk to him about everything that has happened and that is happening with me, with him, try to explain the past, make amends, try to clear up that resentment he has with me…but it seems completely pointless.
posted by Mychy at 9:05 AM
7 Comments:
P.S. The title has been inspired by Taylor himself...the only useful thing I will leave with from this workshop
You said what I was going to say: I like the idea of rephrasing titles with funny alternatives, or, Punny Stuff!
I think it is natural to have fluctuating feelings. You have never been alone before and you never had the chance to miss J. so it seems inevitable that you will have to take that time to grieve.
It's great that you are able to talk to J. about such personal things. You are going through great changes now and - I know you don't think so, but - you are being very mature about it all, facing your fears and surviving through all the uncomfortable feelings.
This conference sucks so hard, I can't even think about the reply I am currently writing. It's like Taylor causes me to anti-think. Sigh. I am picturing myself on the beach next to you, checking out some hot surfer guys and finally being able to relax and not pretend to be working. I'm so glad the administrators can't see what I'm writing!
P.S. J. is not Jimmy! (I thought the one post would have been from him.) I was thinking, "How did he know you posted a blog already!"
Mr. H. wants you bad. Hey, where is Ms. K.? I just noticed that Ms. D. was here. I keep thinking about what you said - you are so funny!
H. brought in 4 books for me! He's leaning into D. everytime they talk...watch.
I guess we don't get to leave at noon...we're supposed to present.
He's ALL OVER HER. Gross.
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