Proof I Exist

Playing House...by Myself

2006-08-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

I was up all night with a cough and at one in the morning I decided to drive to Sav-On to pick-up some cough medicine. Of course, I thought it would be nice if I had that special someone who would run to the store for me rather than getting it myself. I even hoped that my neighbors would be so annoyed by my hacking that they would offer some medicinal assistance…but the knock never came. And then I was annoyed with myself because I still feel incapable of taking care of myself…I want someone else to do it…I was at the store that very evening because my friend was picking up airbourne for herself… but I needed to get cigarettes and gave no thought to my health or to the fact that I spent the past two hours trying to keep a lung down.
But as I walked the aisles of the store, trying not to make eye-contact with the nightowls who found some fascination with the store at that heinous hour on a Sunday night…I was pretty excited for myself. Yeah…it would have been good to realize that I would need something inorder to sleep, and sure, smoking (again) probably isn’t helping my health. But I did make an adult decision to get out of bed … because there was a part of me that wanted to just stay awake and cry and feel bad for myself and pull my yellow blanket over my head. And there is something so independent about getting into your car for yourself at an odd hour motivated by your thoughts alone. I had to take care of myself.
At the cash register I played with the idea that I was that bleary eyed mom in the store’s commercials trudging to the store for her sick child at home. I looked at the checker looking for an understanding nod, you know, mother-to-mother, a little “somethings going around and I’m nursing the kids back to health” shrug, even a “I’m the martyr too” smile but she wasn’t even concerned wether or not I was sick or why I would be at the store which began to worry me because doesn’t anyone care anymore? And before I could mumble a, “Izzy (my pretend child) will finally get to sleep with this,” I coughed and blew my own cover.
I don't know why I felt the need to have a reason for being there. And I really don't know why I felt I had to lie (to her, in my head) about being there. Maybe I was afraid this woman thought I was alone and had no one to take care of me. Maybe I was afraid she pitied me because only lonely people stalk the Sav-On market in the early mornings of the day. But maybe I was afraid that I am capable of taking care of myself…and I can be alone. Maybe I'm afraid that I might actually like it.

Look Behind You!

2006-01-13T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm back together with #3.

I initiated contact...well, he sent a little message...but it was me who opened the door.

Relationship Status:

I'm very afraid of being hurt and yet have spent every waking minute with him this week.
I'm pretending to control the physical aspect of the relationship because I think if I don't sleep with him then I won't get hurt guising it as a demand to take it slow.
I just realized this delusion last night and feel guilty.
Hopefully, we'll be getting it on tonight.
I went for a ride on his motorcycle...I am the first person he has ever allowed to do this.
I am not getting any sleep because we stay up talking to the wee hours of the morning and I have said to myself every single morning, "Tonight, he has to leave by 11." Then 11 comes and goes and another topic is approached and analyzed and I say I really need to go to bed...and the cycle continues

I know that the chances are high that I'm going to get hurt again. I feel like I am looking at my actions from this third perspective, like watching a horror movie and the girl goes into the dark and creeping house and everyone thinks, don't go in there, girl, don't do it and she hesitates but inevitably enters the front door and the monster everyone expects to be hiding in the darkness is there and she may die or survive or last another scene or two, but she will change and be touched by that darkness she should have run away from.

I'm afraid to be hopeful, to believe this time is going to be different. I think that if I expect heartbreak then it will soften the blow when it comes. I'm afraid to jump. I can't relax and just go with this fall. I think he's going to come to me at some point and say it's going too fast, that he needs to work on himself, that he needs to try to make it work with his ex...

I want this to be it. I really like him...still. I want to live happily ever after. I want to continue to be happy with him. I want to figure out how to stay with someone forever no matter what.

Acceptance is the key.

2005-12-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

I finally vacuumed my apartment. I had this spiritual experience that you can read about here: http://myspace.com/myparts but then couldn't take that final step of complete cleansing. That is, until yesterday.

I also:

Made myself dinner with my handy-dandy Foreman Grill of chicken and zucchini w/saffron rice
Baked some chocolate chip cookies
Read about this writing program at UCLA
Started writing a story
Talked to N. about Boy #2 honestly!

I feel like I'm finally back into the groove of my life. I've been mad at #3 but am actually getting tired of waking up to me telling him what a dick he is in my head. I sat down and wrote what my part was in the whole thing. I was able to realize that for 2 weeks, I had completely turned my life upside down: I stopped going to the gym, my obsession for myspace completely died, I was up until all hours of the night and then completely inefficient at work, but most of all I listed 5 different people that I (unintentionally) hurt through the process of making him be the one. I've been giving a little shout out for them (#3 and his GF) in my prayers.

I'm crazy when it comes to men: my perception is off, I love potential, and I will give up everything in order to make it work. I think I find it kind of humorous...frightening, but funny as hell. I might do it all over again...but this is the way I am and I am completely powerless over it. The best I can do is try to remember and learn from my mistakes, but experience has taught me that I can't change over night.

#2 has asked me to the movies. He began with 2 things: that he was putting the crush for me on hold and he has a lot of work to do on himself. My kind of guy.

I said yes and my daily mantra has been, "I will not have sex with him. I will not have sex with him."

I'm not going to overanalyze myself and seek outside treatment for my mental defects.

I am who I am.

And even though I put myself through a lot of un-needed pain...I like me. I find myself a bit amusing and quirky and I know whatever lucky guy sticks around is in for a ride;)

Turkeys and Tears

2005-11-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night I did a lot of much needed writing. I took a relationship and sex inventory and really saw my insanity. I realized that from my very 1st boyfriend, I have been trying to mold myself to his wants (that is, the wants I thought he would have of me), pressing my will onto him because I think that “He’s the one” and from the very start I have given up any sense of self to hang onto him because I need him to make me feel okay. I saw that through all of these relationships there was this common thread….my fear that I am not good enough to have a family and to be happy; a fear that God wants me to be by myself, that I am incapable of having children, that I will be a spinster librarian with too many cats living behind darkly drawn curtains, afraid to let the light in.

Thursday night I was at a meeting that #3 and his girlfriend led. That’s right. Girlfriend.
They got back together.

I showed up at N.’s house in tears the next morning. I knew that God wanted me alone. I’m not meant to have a family because I don’t deserve one. There is not one human in the world sick enough to want to be with me. I hate God. I’ve tried so hard to turn my life around, to help other people and this is what I get…a lieingmotherfuckercowardlydick who I let into mylifeandmyheadandmyheart…I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want this to be my life.

We sat in her back yard and I read my writing to her. At the end, she looked at me and said that I have been picking men who have been unavailable to me…they had girlfriends, they didn’t want me, they were obviously not the right kind of guy for me…setting myself up to fail, to be alone, to be miserable; making my own fears come true. #3 was completely unavailable to me…I know from my own personal experience that no relationship can be formed after breaking up with someone 1 week before…but whatever happened between him and I…for the first time in my life, I was able to be vulnerable at a physical, mental and spiritual level with another man. I know now that I am capable of loving someone and to be loved in return.

And though it may seem hokey, I was suddenly relieved. That hatred and anger at my God was lifted. This may be painful now, but I was given a gift. I was given this glimpse of what I will have one day. I was given a chance to see that I have a hundred forms of fear and I have been entering every relationship with this expectation of failure and loneliness. I still have work to o. The tears started flowing and not because I was pissed but because I was suddenly a little hopeful and really grateful for this woman and program and spirituality to help me see who I truly am.

The high lasted ‘til about 10 that night.

Now, I am a little pissed at him but I know my ego is bruised more than my feelings are hurt at this point. I woke up this morning with my head screaming, “He picked her over you!”
Eh. I guess this is to be expected. She was dressed especially slutty last night which helped me get through seeing them together...I’m sure it is killing her to think about him and I together…which makes me feel little bit better too. Hey, progress not perfection, people.

But I Don't Wanna

2005-11-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

It is really difficult to do the right thing…even when I know that the end results will be better then what I could have now. I demand immediate gratification…I want it now, now, now.

I took a quiz once in some woman’s magazines about the maturity of my reactions to life situations. I scored “childish”. I have a childish perception of life and I react to life childishly.

Not surprisingly, I was shocked and a bit offended.

So it was 1 AM on Saturday night, and I was grading because I am the queen of procrastination and my two days off just sitting around my apartment doing nothing didn’t motivate me enough to do any work, and I decide to text #3.

My head runs with the following justifications:

He’s an insomniac…he’s probably up.
I need to be entertained as I enter the grades into the computer.
I want to know how he is doing.
I’m just going to ask him how he is…that’s it.
Texting isn’t even really communication..it is toneless, humanless…there is no voice.

He writes back that he is, in fact, up, I question how he is, he calls me.
We talk until 5 in the morning. We analyze everything; we talk about how we feel about each other, we break down the past four days of hell, we deconstruct the three levels of reactions we have had of this experience. My life is complete once again. I have hope. He likes me so much he actually wants the relationship with me to succeed.

I wake up at noon on Sunday with an emotional hangover and just try to do the next indicated thing…like try to finish my grades. He calls.

His spons pointed out to him that he ended it with me because he needed time to be by himself in order to look at himself, get to know himself and try to get better and talking to me until 5 in the morning is not keeping to himself. We do not know how to keep it light and easy. We discussed that things were going so great between us and we both have such horrendous relationship records that giving each other this time to be by ourselves will only make our relationship stronger and healthier.

It’s like that annoying cliché that if you truly love somebody you’ll let them go. Whatever.

I want to do the right thing. I care about him enough to let him do this and try to stay out of his way. I’m cranky today though. Like a child, I am throwing a temper tantrum because God isn’t letting me get my way.

And the red flag has been shoved up my...

2005-11-20T02:14:00.000-08:00

So...bad news. #3 dumped me.

Wednesday he talked to me about this epiphany he had about his last relationship and he saw that he had a bigger part in it then he first wanted to admit. He saw the insanity of all his relationships and that he was starting to go there with me and he didn't want to do that and that it was really clear that he needed to be by himself to work it all out.

I am devastated.
But at the same time he just wants to do what I had to do, too.
This sucks.
I can't even be mad.

I feel like an idiot. I never get hurt. I leave before I get hurt...or truthfully, I get myself into relationships where I can't get hurt.

#3

2005-11-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

We've known each other for a little over 3 years and have watched each other, in a way, grow up.

Stats:

35
electrician-started own business 1 year ago
6" and some
thinning, short hair
beautiful green eyes that actually speak
oldest of 3-very close to sister (who approves of me!)
5 years in this new way of life

What I love about him:

he's super smart
hysterical...with that sarcastic/play with words wit that I adore
treats me like a woman (which makes me realize that I've been with little boys in previous relationships)
we talk for hours on end...easily...we agree, disagree, laugh, question...free flowing
we know each other well enough to call each other on our bullshit...and to be truly honest
he used to paint and looks at me with that artist's eye...he's studied various parts of me, like my ankle
his words: he wants to have a relationship like his parents "so painfully"
he helps other people
trying to live a spiritual life

Red Flags:

he just got out of a relationship and I mean "just"...though he says that he had ended it months ago in his head, mourned it, and understands his part and what he gained from the experience...it's still pretty soon, even for me
nancy thinks I can do better...though she has admitted that she loves me so much she doesn't know if it's humanly possible to meet her expectations
he's a harsh critic of people and enjoys standing around with his best friend tearing people apart for fun
he takes some actions in the meetings that I feel are disrespectful...though he's respectful in his other meetings..he has admitted to this and said he wants to change that
his best friend is a dick...a facade to hide his fear of people's judgements...but the wall is thick

I realize that I have my blinders on here and for most of the red flags I added a footnote...I'm doomed.

The relationship is moving really, really fast...we've trashed all of the bullshit and have openly discussed what we're looking for from each other...how we feel about each other...that this has been coming for 3 long years...

I'm a klutz in social games.

2005-11-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

So I've been single for 4 months and it has been fabulous. It should not be surprising to some of my readers (Hi, Amy and Jayna and Celina, if even you are reading this) that I think it's ending. It's been a very exciting month for me in this new world of boys. I too get to number them (inspired by Amy O). Here it goes:

Boy #1: met him lil over a month ago...hit it off...I was really excited that I could be myself completely and not care if he liked me or not...self-worth is such a prize. We emailed and talked obsessively until he went too far in admitting his feelings in some bulletin...weirded me out completely...didn't help that I met...

Boy#2: We've seen each other around but did not really talk until we found out that we were both obsessed with myspace...emailing then progressed to texting...I think we've talked to each other face to face and on the phone once...what's sad is that this is like a bonified relationship in my head

Boy #3: Have had a crush on him for 3 years but both of us were in hideous relationships. He just got out of his...we met for coffee last week, went out on a date on Friday and Sunday...we'll be married next Saturday (I'm joking...give us atleast a month)

So this is just a summary of what's been going on...now that I'm working and have tons of work to do I should be blogging on a daily basis.
I've successfully been the tornado in Boy#1's life and working on screwing over #2...not on purpose...but the effects are lingering.

Just random thoughts to keep me here

2005-09-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

It has really been too long since I've written. It's strange how I go on vacation and I don't have any time to blog but when I'm working and stressed and crazy, I'm blogging everyday.

Anyway, I'm really not blogging because I have nothing to blog about...I'm on vacation!

Update on the relationship:
He was coming over atleast once a week and it has burned itself out. He's in it for the relationship, and I'm in it because I'm selfish and can't imagine not screwing somebody for any extended amount of time. Until now.

I actually want to be alone. I want to wake up alone. I want to make coffee for myself. Everyday.

Until somebody new comes around. That's not true either. I like the drama and everything but now that I've simmered down I realize I like the serenity too. I know I'm not going to be alone forever and I know if I want the next relationship to work out, I need Mychy time.

Things I've learned about myself during mychytime:

I'm lazy...getting out of bed is hard sometimes
I don't like to clean, workout, put away my shoes or my clean clothes
Shopping works for me...when I'm bored or my apartment needs to be cleaned, I shop
I don't like TV...it's so boring!
Cantelope rocks!
My music once again: liz wright, the killers, gorilaz, aimee mann
Diet Dr. Pepper and Cola zero rocks!
I really don't feed myself
It's okay that I need people to help me do things

It's been a long, long time.

2005-08-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Break-up sex finally happened and it was the most amazing night I might have ever had. Ever.
Maybe this is just a clear sign that I have committment and fear of intimacy issues.
Maybe I don't even care because it was that good.
I had no insecurities, no fears of what he might be thinking about, what he might be noticing, of how ugly my breasts look when I am on my back and gravity has taken hold and pulling them towards my armpits.
This is not a sexy look and these are the thoughts that I usually have during the deal.
Not Friday night!
I didn't have to think about what it all meant.
I didn't have to try to not think about the laundry I had to do, whether or not my neighbors could hear, how much I'd rather be reading a book, how he didn't do something right once again, did she give me a weird look at work today, how long will this take anyway?
I was just there, in the moment, finally taking the now and going with it.
It was spiritual.
It was the way IT'S supposed to be.

BUT, I was left feeling a little lonely and empty the rest of the weekend. I wanted to call him. I played with the idea of asking him over...I didn't.
I'm wondering if I could really do this...on more than one occasion.
I'm really wondering if this is what it's like for everybody else.
Does the "relationship" title and roles we take on in the relationship kill intimacy?
Is it just me?

6 hours of Isolation =

2005-08-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

N. has misguided me these past three years and I need to stop talking to her
The spiritual life I am trying to lead is a bunch of bullshit and I have succeeded in fooling myself
I should go to the book store and walk around
Going out ... good, staying in bed and isolating ... bad
This girl at work definately gave me a look today...and not a friendly one
I am never going to have children, not by choice
"He" is not out there and my only chance at true love has been ruined by my obsessive compulsive behavior
I must move back to the East coast
Diet Dr. Pepper rocks
Seattle, I am meant to live in Seattle
How do people live alone?...it is lonely and terrifying
I ate too much and my thighs are fucking gigantic...how in the hell did they get so big...they were not this fat on Sunday
On average, I make a dijourno pizza once a week... that is definately too much dijourno
I hate my job and need to quit...In fact, I'm not going to quit, I'm just not going back
I need to wear my Wonder Woman pajamas more often
Chatting on line is going to be my new form of human interaction...fuck that face to face bullshit, totally overrated
I have nothing to finish the "Loves2..." statement for my screen name...there goes chatting
How many men on the Yahoo personals are stalkers and/or murderers and/or looking for a woman to abuse and what are my chances of emailing him?

The Lengths I Go

2005-08-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Against my better judgement, I texted my ex to see if we were going to dinner. He called and we decided to meet. I called him back and asked him if it was a good idea.

He said, "No. I'm glad you asked."

So I went out to dinner with some friends who took pity on me. After dinner, full and restless, a thought popped into my mind: What did he mean that it wasn't a good idea?

I couldn't very well call him and ask the question so I called my ex-husband.

This conversation consisted of his life, his parents, his complaints of the flying industry, his girlfriend's new job, his interview at a local restaraunt as a server. I piped in about my student teacher and he then digressed to my first year teaching and how he is surprised I made it. He then began to describe his perception of my insanity: panic attacks, cries for help, getting sober. And I laughed with him until his voice became bitter and it was turing into "M., you're insane, you hurt me, you ruined my life, I'm where I'm at today because of you."

I held the phone against my ear and stared at the ceiling fan above me wondering why I didn't just try to stick my head into the twirling blades if I wanted to hurt myself a bit.

But I love drama.

So using my "I feel" words, I proceeded to tell him that I can not continue this friendship if he continues to hurt me everytime we talk...I don't deserve that.

He apologized and then started to ask uncomfortable questions...like why is there drama...why am I calling him so much after two years of nothing.

Hmmm. Good point.

When I was sitting up in my bed, tears welling in my eyes and the words, "I can not change the past" fell from my lips, a wave of well being and excitement ran up and down my spine. I live for this shit. Tears, anger and melodramatic replies give meaning to my life. I fear the boredom of every day living...drama gives my life meaning.

And it finally occurred to me (though it has before and will again) that I'm just using these guys to give my life some meaning--and that's bullshit too, my life has meaning, I just want something to do, something to obsess about, some drama to analyze. If they were willing to give themselves over to me I'd be annoyed and not interested, writing about how they need to go and how they aren't doing it right.

This is a part of my spiritual malady. There is a peace and serenity in me that I am afraid to live because I've never realized it was there.

I don't know how to be happy within the realms of peace and serenity.

I may have a new playmate!

2005-08-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

His name is Jacob and he has tattoos in all the right places and wears his t-shirts tight enough to let me know he's got a lil' somethin' somethin'. I was complaining to my friend, Toni, and her boyfriend about the lack of play I got coming my way and my answer in finding myself a female lover. He was shocked and started offering up his friends...he's obsessed with getting me a fuck buddy!
Jacob will be hanging out on Friday night with us.

I told my friend to warn him not to fall in love with me.

I'm such a liar.

The problem is...I'm all talk. I don't take action, I can't flirt with a stranger, I can't even make eye contact with a guy that is obviously checking me out!
I want to have meaningless relations but I'm afraid of human contact!

We're both gonna know that he's there to see if I'm fuckable...and what if he finds me lacking? What if he doesn't make a move and I know that it's because he didn't find me attractive, I wasn't his type, it doesn't seem worth it, my freckles, my lack of style, it seems like too much work.

Chances are that I'll get obsessed with him and then take him hostage.

What am I going to wear?

A Room of My Own

2005-08-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm moved in and I absolutely love my new apartment. It's my very own place just for me! Pictures are forthcoming. We are having a TLC reunion here...I swear.

I miss the poetry...

2005-07-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

The poem that brought me the said inspiration:

My mouth hovers across your breasts
in the short grey winter afternoon
in this bed we are delicate
and touch so hot with joy we amaze ourselves
tough and delicate we play rings
around each other our daytime candle burns
with its peculiar light and if the snow
begins to fall outside filling the branches
and if the night falls without announcement
there are the pleasures of winter
sudden, wild and delicate your fingers
exact my tongue exact at the same moment
stopping to laugh at a joke
my love hot on your scent on the cusp of winter

This is what I want in a relationship. To lounge all day, naked, hot, cold, talking, laughing, touching and then live the poetry in it. I miss the poetry in my life!

Inspired to think about actually doing something, maybe

2005-07-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

The strangest thing happened to me today. I was in my class, bored, because I've got somebody else doing my job right now and I picked up an anthology my sister let me borrow and I opened up to this section on Adrienne Rich who has always been an important poet in my life (we both had a relationship with Orion).

Anyway, what happened was, I read a poem and I was inspired and when I'm inspired I write so I write a lil diddy and two hours later I am mentally berating myself for writing the poem. I'm critiquing this five minute pukefest I had on a page (screen really).

Why must we always question who we are, where we're going, should I be with him/her, should I move to Pennsylvania (okay, I got a little specific)?

So, I know I love to write and if I gave myself a chance and actually try writing I might feel a little fullfilled. So, I am going to get up 30 minutes early tomorrow and write. 5:15 AM people, I'll be typing away...groggy and pissed but typing...hopefully.

Let's Talk About...

2005-07-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

It has been slowly occurring to me that I won’t be having sex anytime soon. I can’t remember the last time I was in this situation! So, I have come up with some things to look forward to:

1. Experimenting with my attraction to members of the same sex (Is it politically incorrect to want to just full around with a female and not want a relationship?…friendship is okay…but I feel like admitting this is committing a crime against my feminist nature)
2. Break-up sex with F. He came by on Saturday morning and I was upset by the time he left and then he called on Sunday to see if I wanted to take a ride in his new truck. At first, I was completely against having break up sex with him because I don’t think he can do it without emotional ties and then it would be like we broke up all over again, but now it’s been like 3 weeks
3. Break-up sex with J. Now that sounds enticing because we never had break-up sex because I was all obsessed with F. but that probably won’t be happening because he’s 3,000 miles away and seeing somebody. Is sex with an ex cheating?
4. I know there is a bit of a tramp in me and I was thinking maybe I should let her come out and play a bit…it’s only right to know everything about me before I find Mr. Right, right? But here are some problems with that:

I hate to have someone look at my body up close…terrified of it…it’s like they’re going to zone in on all of my defects the moment my clothes are stripped away and I have to either point out my freakishness before they notice or try to hide my body and then give-up and just be embarrassed
Intimacy isn’t all that enticing to me…I’m more of a bam, slam, thank you..sir…and I’ve only been successful at that when I was drunk, and well, there’s that
I hate condoms and I hate possible infection of any type…naked people are really just dangerous, walking environs to disease (I don’t think I used environs correctly but it sounds good in my head)
There’s that whole having to converse with people before and after the sex thing and I’m not too into that either…I know I’ve changed, people, but I still am offended if I catch a guy sneering at me or trying to have a conversation with me
What in the hell happened to me as a child to have these natural aversions to humanity?

Continuing the Cycle of Insanity or I Swear, This Time It Will Be Different

2005-07-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

So my soon to be ex-husband and I have been playing phone tag. And some interesting physical manifestations have occurred this week due to these attempts at communication:

My heart would race when I called him
I was obsessively checking my phone to see if he called back
When he did call back, I was always otherwise engaged (was the universe trying to keep us from talking?)
Dreams about him (last night we discussed getting back together…in the dream)

We finally reached each other this morning. Annoyingly, I was nervous. I didn’t understand why we had to talk to each other. I do want to talk to him but the things I want to talk about are not appropriate for the phone…and when we talked there was this atmosphere of doubt and holding back…at least on my part, but it is a lot more dramatic and satisfying to imagine him feeling the same way.

In the end, I don’t think we really talked about anything. He mentioned that his senile grandmother told him our marriage failed because we didn’t have children. We briefly discussed a mutual friend who left a sarcastic message about me on his myspace page. I vaguely discussed the fact that I’m on my own for the first time and he asked if I got with F. as soon as he left. I lied and said that we didn’t get together, per se, but I was pretty obsessed and that’s how it always was whenever we broke up. We ended with a discussion about getting older and my fear of never getting it right and him planning on never having children and just flying for the rest of his life.

And I want to cry right now but I don’t get it. I’m not having any type of fantasies of reuniting with him…Okay, I do, but I know it is my reaction to fighting being on my own…so I know I really don’t want to get back together with him but I miss him and I didn’t miss him before.

I just want to talk to him about everything that has happened and that is happening with me, with him, try to explain the past, make amends, try to clear up that resentment he has with me…but it seems completely pointless.

Proving him wrong...

2005-07-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

So I got into an enjoyable debate on the supposed downfall of society...specifically music. A coworker proposes that rap music isn't truly music and can never be studied as a true transfomation of music...I disagreed.

So to prove him wrong, I want to burn a couple songs that exemplify good rap music...I know it's out there but I'm not really a rap fan so I have no idea who they are...so I need your help. Maybe I could create a history of rap music CD for him?

So, people, (Amy) help me! Give me some artists and songs or maybe websites I could go to to find the progression of rap.

Meet me back here at o100 hours tomorrow. Ready, set, go.

Ramifications

2005-07-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take the one bedroom apartment in my building so I don't break my lease. I guess I'll be moving in sometime mid-August.

My moods have been all over the place. Yesterday I was coming up with three choices to relieve the awful feelings I was experiencing: suicide, cigarette, alcohol. Instead I stared at various corners in my apartment and cried.

I'm realizing that I have to mourn so much...the end of my marriage, the release of a boy that has been in my life since I was eighteen, the release of that one substance that made it all better, the death of the rebound relationship that helped me deny any negative feelings I had about the above situations, and then I have to face myself...the one person I've been avoiding my whole life.

And this is what normal people choose to feel? Fuck that shit.

Well, I guess not. I didn't hurt myself, nor did I drink, nor did I smoke.

Instead, I actually talked to people about my feelings and then cried on their shoulders. I owe one sorry to a friend of mine that I've been pissed off at for awhile but... (I don't kow if you guys have noticed, but I can be a bitch sometimes).

I guess it could just be gas...

2005-07-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

I received a call from my landlady yesterday after school stating that I can move into a 1 bedroom apartment that is available without breaking my lease…the rent is $940.00. Yikes. Breaking the lease is $1500. I told her I need to think about it and would give her an answer on Saturday. She whined about some nonsense in thinking that I was definitely taking it…and then I drop kicked her. I do know a woman who manages an apartment with a 1 bedroom available ad rent is only $750 but I know a lot of people who live there so privacy would be nonexistent.

So I proceeded to freak out.

On the way home from Open House I hit a man riding on a bicycle. He kept saying he was okay and I think it was his fault because he was on the wrong side of the road…but still, I hit him with my car.

I met up with some friends after school and bug eyed kept telling him that I hit a poor guy and his body dented my hood.

I make a call to F. to tell him about my living arrangement crisis. He was cold and secretive and a bit annoyed.

30 minutes later I am literally balling my eyes out. A guy hands me a hand towel for my tears and mucus. In an hour my stomach is severely cramping. I begin to believe I am creating an ulcer.

I go home and do the math…I think I can afford living on the $950 rent. I will have to budget and my compulsive shopping will have to be removed from my weekly activities. But I feel okay about it. My friend is still undecided about moving in…and I’m okay with whatever happens.

Stomach pains have gone away…

How fabulously selfish.

2005-07-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

So this is my second night in my aparment as a single woman...I have never been here before. This is what I have accomplished since coming home from work:

tried to nap but afraid any sleep would take away from a full night's slumber (haven't had one since the break up)
decided to move couch and chair in living room
half way though the move I realized it was mistake
left furniture as is...the end table is in the middle of the living room with the couch and lounge turned towards it
decided my bedroom would now be the office so put bookshelf in the living room and wondered why I have been hiding my books
piled books quite slopppily on floor and in shelves...a promised project for a later manic moment
all lights and fans were left on
made dinner (and I ate it)
snacked on TJ's chocolate covered pretzels
put together office supply table contraption thingy that is a fabulously deep, pea green
moved gigantic-no-metal-and-really-just-painted-tree dresser that is ridiculously large into new bedroom
realized new room is too small for everything I have in here
realized I may have a slight case of agoraphobis and therefore feel very safe in my new, crowded bedroom
went to market to buy drano for a clogged drain that I have been expecting F. to fix for two months (though I don't think I ever asked him to...just complained about it)
did not skip a beat as I entered the store and connected this to the fact that I had a specific goal
made a mental note that I must have more specific goals when going food shopping (yes, a goal of "getting food" is too vague for me)
Added to this blog two times (okay, just once) because I am afraid to go to bed because I might not be able to sleep
I'm still adding
Goodnight
I mean it
Gosh!

And so they parted...

2005-07-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

I drove home right after work yesterday, tired and little nervous about what would meet me. At work, I made jokes about the George connection and talked lightly of my puffy, red eyes but I was really afraid…what if I couldn’t end it? What if I totally chickened out?

Over a bowl of Golden Grahams, he started telling me about his day. He had this spiritual awakening that he believed stemmed from our conversation the night before. He realized that no matter what happened he was going to be okay and he could see the path he has taken and his purpose in us being together. He also realized that he had a lot of work to do and a lot of things in the past to clear up from the past and this was keeping him from being comfortable with himself and around other people. He said he was hurting inside and really wanted to make things work but was ready to accept God’s will in our relationship. He then asked me if I wanted to try to make the relationship work.

I was aware that my heart was pounding during his monologue but I didn’t feel afraid. My head and heart were rather clear and calm as I listened. And when he asked me what I wanted to do I told him that I have tried to make things work but it seemed clear to me that we needed to end the relationship.

And everything is okay. I am not in panic mode. I have no idea where I am going to live but I'm not worried. I have complete faith that what is meant to be will be.

It was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had with another human being.

No, George, I'm not going to give -up on what we have.

2005-07-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

I visited with my friend yesterday to discuss my relationship and my actions for the past 2 weeks. The outcome was that I suffer with the "not good enough" disease, i.e., no matter what somebody does, I will still find something wrong with him/her.

For example, two weeks ago, I met with friends for coffee and conversation and my b.f. ordered dinner for me because I was going to be late. When the food came, I was at another table so he brought the plate to me. The only thing I could see was that he ordered me the wrong kind of potatoes. I pointed this out to him in front of three other people and he stumbled out a reply about how they didn't serve my type of potatoes anymore. I pulled out the menu and read to him, that in fact, I did have the choice and he just screwed up. This is me people.

So I know, no matter who I am with, I will, at some point, find him to be unacceptable. And he is, so I must go.

We decided that I will have to, at some point have a conversation with him about the status of our relationship. He began that conversation last night.

Him: He's felt some distance on my part, though he keeps being told by his friends that it's probably just his perception. He really loves me and respects me and wants to make the relationship work. He knows he has a lot of work to do and he doesn't know how to do relationships but he's never felt this way about anybody in his entire life and he can't let it go. He said that were are meant for each other. He said that we need to be able to say how we feel to each other without worrying about how the other person is going to react.
Me: Oh, shit. Silence. Yeah, things feel different. I'm afraid to make any decision but the fact is, I don't know if this relationship is it.
Him: Packs a bag and leaves.
Me: Crying but not stopping him.
Him: Returns. Sits down on the couch. He said that he doesn't want to end it.

I'm reminded of a Seinfeld episode when George tries to break up with his girlfriends (he happened to have two of them at the time) and they both refuse to end it with him, even after being introduced to each other.

It's Like I Never Left

2005-07-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

Every time I come home, I feel like I take the driving tour of Eastern Pennsyvlania and Southern New Jersey. I am in the car more than I'm in the car in L.A. Spent a day at the Jersey shore with the family and got some random sunburn patches on my back.

Met up with my father last night...which really needs to be a blog in itself, but to give you an idea when I walked in the door, and I haven't seen the man since October, he had to finish tying up his boots before he said hi to me. And then he would go into his bedroom and shut the door to work on his computer and then come out and say we could have gone in. Finally, at dinner, my youngest sister breaks the news to him that she is moving to Nebraska becasue she has finally melted that icebergs that surround her heart just enough to have fallen in love with somebody and he spends the rest of the dinner in silence. We all left feeling bitter and resentful until me and Maureen call Karen and meet secretly at a diner to discuss him and the evening's events over coffee and pie. That in itself made the entire evening worth while.

At the end of the night, Maureen and I were a little nervous about calling dad to report our safe return to PA because it should not have taken three hours and we don't want to tell him where we had been because...well, he would know that we were just talking about him. We are a family of liars and keepers of my father's peace even after ten years of not talking to him but the first instinct is always: make up a story. But when we called him to tell him we made it home okay Moe told him that we had met up with Karen before coming home. And I felt no guilt or shame. The thought did occur to me to stop talking to him just because it's so difficult sometimes. But I'll think about it later.

Talked to boyfriend twice because he called me and they were one minute conversations.

I don't miss him.

And I had a dream that I kissed my ex and came face-to-face with the ex-mother-in-law and we just yelled at each other about my actions and her actions.

Everyone is still asleep and I made my way to the living room where a photo album of my wedding day is still sitting on the end table. All of that to be thrown away 1 1/2 years later. I don't know why I'm sad but I want to cry.

Excellent, Smithers. Excellent.

2005-06-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to post my list of wants in a man on MySpace, the space I'm thinking...okay, I know my ex will visit. Antagonistic? Mean? Deep, down, I want to start trouble...I really should stop blowing off my friends and do something at night other than sit in front of the computer! Anyway...this is what I wrote...

Up until a little while ago, I was under the impression that I didn’t really have a choice in picking a mate. This was me: “You like me? Here, hold still while I wrap these ropes around you and tie you to anything that looks vaguely stable in my life. Now, stay here until I hurt you so much you’re willing to bite through the ropes to get away or I do something stupid, like untie you.” I really didn’t think I had the looks, intelligence or personality to pick and choose what man I’d allow to be with me. (Now this does not take away from the men who have come into my life…I think I was under the belief that you were really strange to be interested in me or I was really good at hiding my defects.)
I may still not have the looks, intelligence and personality but something has finally occurred to me…I have choices.
Another fabulous epiphany I’ve had is that I have the choice not to be with anyone, but I digress, I digress.
It has been suggested that I make a list of what I want in a man…so here it is:

Spiritual…he’s got to live a spiritual life. I want somebody who wants to be nice to people and maybe get to help out every now and then. I want him to be humble enough to believe that there’s something bigger than him in the universe.
Inteligente…I like to converse about the goings on in the world.
Content…I’m tired of being bitter and judgmental and depressed.
Sense of humor…’cause I don’t have one, okay I do...but I don’t think anybody gets my jokes.
Accepting…I’ve got a lot of…um, shall I say baggage? I mean, the clothes inside are folded up real nice and they’ve been freshly laundered and ironed…socks are matching just fine…but there is a gigantic pile of bags sitting in my living room. I’ll move them to vacuum underneath, even utilize them as coffee tables but they’ve been with me for a long time and they’re not going anywhere. Plus, I like to take metaphors too far, usually to the point where people aren’t listening anymore.
Creative…So, what? Musicians still get me hot, I can’t help it.
Spontaneously romantic…For example, we are driving down the road and he sees some wildflowers that he has to pick for me and then he does it. (Though, I think this is really hard so this might not be a non-negotiable, just a wish. Though really just an expectation that sets somebody up to being a disappointment.)
Hot and attractive…duh...and inside joke BUT still worth mentioning.

What? I don't just act like a bitch until he leaves me?

2005-06-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

I sat down with a very good friend of mine last week and talked about my relationship. I cried for an hour--I have never been in this situation before: he is a good man who treats me really well, he wants our relationship to succeed, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to help it succeed—I just don’t want him.

This is what she has advised me to do for the next 30 days:

Pray for 30 days for a clear sign of God’s will for my relationship (I have not blogged about the talk because this was something I was afraid to share—J.R.’s blog really helped me this morning. I’ve been told for a couple years now not to apologize for my spirituality and faith, but I have judged people in the past for their faith and I was really afraid to be judged!) Anyway, I truly believe that I am going to be shown what I should do—a door will open as another closes.
Write about how I am like him. I have created a list that contains everything that is wrong with him. This has kind of set me up as being much better than him which leads me to feel superior and then act on that superiority, which I do, often.
Make a list of my non-negotiables that I want in a man. I’m really excited about this one because up until now, I never really believed I had a choice—it’s always been, wow, you’re a man and you’re willing to spend more than one drunken night with me? Okay, let’s move in together!
I have to take a daily inventory of my actions, resentments, and fears. I’ve been doing a really good job at this and it also makes me act differently—I’m less likely to treat F. like shit because I have to tell somebody at the end of the day how I acted.
Do one kind thing for him on a daily basis. People, this is harder than it sounds. The best I’m coming up with is bringing him coffee, doing the laundry, and giving it up to him.

Looking at this, it really makes me think how sick he is for being with me

The Morning the Red Sea Parted

2005-06-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

5:22 AM

The sounds of oldies but goodies wake the sleeping couple. He pushes off the covers and stumbles the to the alarm only to push the snooze. He stumbles back to bed.

She says, surprisingly wide awake, after she has counted the three times he pushed the wrong button on the alarm clock, the seconds he took to scratch the incessant itch behind his knee before he finally pushed the button to bring silence to the bedroom, "What the fuck are you doing?"

He rolls himself out of the bed and leaves the room without slamming the door (surely, she would have slammed the door).

5:54 AM

She slides her razer up the back of her thigh as he opens the door and says, "I'm leaving" and once again, quietly closes the door behind him.

6:01 AM

She sits in front of the computer as water drips from her hair down her back. She types in her password. She allows the unknown Frank to be a friend in her space and thinks, "Could this be her Frank? No, he isn't smart enough to pull off an entirely different character just to see fool her at her own game." She notes there is still no reply from her ex. She logs off.

6:13 AM
She wonders, "Maybe my emails didn't successfully send."
She sits in front of the computer as water drips from her hair and wets the back of her tank top. She types in her password. She checks her out box and nods her head--the emails were sent and read.

6:24 Am

She hesitates before turning on the hair dryer and thinks, "What if he can see who has checked his site?" Her heart races as she dries her hair. She imagines his horror as he sees the picture of her pink toes line up with dates and times--evidence that she is checking his sight two to three times a day.
Finally, she sits in front of the computer and types in her password. She moves the cursor over the number of visitors on her sight and sighs with relief that no link appears. "So why hasn't he written back in three days?" she asks herself.

6:55 AM

She parks her car along the curb and realizes that his silence can only be explained by the evil admittance by her old roommates of past drunken episodes she has tried so hard to keep from him. He now knows everything--the cheating, the lies, the betrayal. He now knows who she really is on the inside; he sees the color of the lining of her soul and knows it is black. Or it is not really back, it merely contains no light.

We break up, just to make up

2005-06-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

The List: Breaking Up

Pros to ending the relationship

room of my own
take care of myself
I don't think he's it
we have no mental click
little spiritual growth
I'm embarrassed by him
he takes care of me
I don't accept him for who he is

Cons in ending the relationship

he takes care of me
accepts me for who I am
group of people we hang with will be affected
my fear of being alone
we have a year lease

Incoming question from the back of my head:
Am I just coming up with another thing to fix me?
(a spritual axiom: if I am bothered by other people, it is because I can not accept a certain person, place, or thing because of my spiritual malady)

Shopping helps to hide the feelings.

2005-06-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

I have not received a reply from ex but twopointfive things have been noted:

1. he has changed his profile summary and removed the slanderous-but-true comments
2. he is talking it up with a Pitt girl on his space right before my very eyes ("I added more pictures just like you wanted" and ""I'll call you tonight" which is met with a slight tingling sensation that moves from the middle of my stomach to the hair follicles on my head, I shiver and scroll down her comment list to see what else he has written)
2.5 I may be experiencing the uncomfortable feeling of jealousy and a hint of inadequacy

I don't think I want to get back together with him--I think any ex observing a relationship bloom on the internet without them really knowing it would have the same feelings. I don't know why the hell I am putting myself through this torture but that analysis session will have to take place on another blog. Would this be considered stalking?

I did spend most of the day with my boyfriend, rolling my eyes at his ridiculous commentary on nothing, remaining silent during his meaningless questions about the car wash and trying to lose him in the mall.

I didn't really try to lose him but I did growl at him if he stood too close behind me.

He asked, "Are we still getting on each other's nerves?" I placed a white sweater on the pile of clothes I would purchase hanging on his arm and said, "I need to try these pants on."

Why my clothes have not been put away...

2005-06-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

So this is the situation. My soon-to-be-ex-husband calls me two weeks ago and tells me he's on his way back to Pittsburgh, he's got a date that Saturday and he has a site on MySpace with a slightly bitter line about me and our relationship. I can't get home fast enough to read the line, which is slanderous but true, and decide to begin my own little space. I spend hours looking at his "friends" sites, mostly the beautiful blonde ones, though I may have found his Pitt date too who is not a blonde bombshell. Present problem:

I email him little notes--reminders that I'm around.
I check his site on a daily basis (okay, usually twice a day)
I have not told my boyfriend that I live with that I have this slight obsession (which leads to frantic runs to the computer whenever he steps out)
I love using bullets. (not really a problem, just an explanation)

He emails me today that he is going out with my old roommates. I email him back: "Whatever you do, please do not make out with either one of them".

And the truth be told, I am having some problems with my present relationship--problems like, I don't know if I want to be with him. We just moved in together--which I admit, I probably forced. I finally gave it up to him last night and I couldn't stand kissing him. I need help.

Telling on myself

2005-06-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

So I told a very close confidant about my slowly increasing obsession with the internet. I'm even checking it in the mornings before work these days and I want to keep it top secret from my boyfriend because he might want to read it and find out what I'm actually thinking and I don't want that to happen. So I get annoyed with him because he's always around and I need to get my fix. Anyway, I told the one person I wasn't too keen on telling because she's pretty much the one woman who knows me the best and she helps me see these things and gives me suggestions to better myself...and she didn't really suggest anything. She just reminded me that this is the way I am and the best thing I can do is try to do the things that make me feel good about being me and that should relieve the obsessing a bit, for a while, atleast. Aaaah. Relief.